Wake-up Calls

*************Personal Post Warning******************

“Life’s too short to be afraid
So take a pill to numb the pain
You don’t have to take the blame…”,
advises Robbie Williams; I beg to differ.

Today is a celebration to mark the start of the festival season (Aadi pirappu).
Began quite in the very opposite of spirits…with a nightmare of me trying to squeeze in some last minute studying for an exam for which I have NOT prepared. I was under such intense pressure in the dream that I got up gasping.
The last dream/nightmare I have ever remembered occured when I was 6. Since then I go to sleep and wake up in the morning…Today’s nightmare seemed a harbinger that set the mood for the day.

In my infinite wisdom, I‘ve decided to re-take CAT. The notice for the issue of bulletins for the exam came in today’s paper. (We take a couple of seconds to re-visit my nightmare)

Anyone can decide to do something. The gravity of that decision strikes one only when there is a half-page notice in all leading dailies and one’s supportive father chooses to highlight the amount of preparation that one has done for this exam that one had decided to take up a long time ago- Zilch. Nada. Squat.

Also the previous evening I booked my slot to take up Oracle Certification. You see, I have no challenges in life that suit my intelligence at all.

Inertia, routine, The Matrix, Maya...whatever it is; has me in its vice-like grip.

The 2nd wake-up-call came from Vinoo. She is leaving to pursue Advanced Research in Richmond by the end of this month. Last year-end the pact between me and her was that by July 2005 (which is now) I’d be in IIM and she’d be starting for her studies in the US.

Guess who did not/could not keep her side of the goal?

Also, she is the last of my close friends to go far far away and I will miss her so L
So by this month-end I will be friendless in Chennai, and if anyone says “Absence makes the heart grow fonder” once more, I will scream.

My posish is totally unenviable. I am at the very nadir in my own eyes. Anyone would say- You have nothing to beat yourself about..have a job, health and family. There are so many in the world without anything.

But you know what? I have the right to beat myself up black and blue. I will do it at any point when I feel I’ve not lived up to my expectations from myself. I will sulk and mope- It’s my party and I will cry if I want to…

It sure won’t solve anything, I know.

I have to go back to Pagalguy, to the materials and give a good performance in my Oracle exam – all the while continuing to do my best in office (I love my project-they’ve been so good to me)

I am going to have to do all of these things. There is nothing that anyone can do to help me here. Maybe lend moral support or inspiration, perhaps clear a doubt or two.

Niyas (who’s been mentioned in the blog after a year) will not be taking up CAT this year and is also too busy to play mentor like he did last time (God Bless him). So I am on my own now.

Sometimes I wonder, is there any point? Is it a waste of everyone’s time? Am I even destined for the future I wish for?

Appa has decided to be my jailor for the continuous 4th term in office (Once for Gre and twice for the previous 2 CATs)-whether I have anything to say about it or not.

It’s not a happy time for me. To say the very least.

Time to get pro-active and shake the crap out of the complacent universe I have created around my routine.

Winds of change are blowing my way; I am going to be up for whatever comes. Although I am hoping its something that will make me smile for life ;)
Die-hard Optimist
Rain.