Obvious Science

My current visceral malreactions are towards people who state the blindingly obvious condescendingly or as if it were a revelation to the listener (me).

It happens with unfortunately unerring regularity in my place of stay (which I will not call my apt because I am still looking for a place to call - my apt) and to a more amusing extent during my perusal of the Google News.

So focussing on the less bile invoking option, here are some headlines in the Health and Lifestyle sections over the past few weeks which I thought was just common knowledge but it took a team of scientists years to research and come to the exact same conclusions in some corner of the world (only to be debunked by a small variation of the same in a microsecond?)

Junk food is manufactured to get you hooked - I am so shocked. You mean to tell me the good people at McD, BK, Wendy's are only behind my money and don't care about my behind?

Study Says There No Such Thing as Empty Nest Syndrome - For generations, Indian parents have been happily getting rid of their daughter accompanied by music and gaiety; so yeah this one, I saw coming.

Women show grace under pressure, while men are likely to take risks in the same high stress situations - Which is probably why we don't work on combat duty and only serve drinks at high stakes poker.

Daily sex improves chances of conception for couples where the men have low sperm count - D'uh...try try try again till you succeed works on all levels

Modern men prefer skinny women: Study - This one's right out of the blue! With all those celebrated stars and models who eat bi-annually, I would've never figured its because the men would prefer them, I just thought they were good at what they did. [No, I didnt]

Women more likely than men to hit nail on the head when there is light - Why would that be relevant to anything ever? Its not like 'hitting the nail on the head' was a metaphor...these guys actually mean taking a hammer and hitting a nail with it.

Migraine pain more common in women - that is because we are supposed to be skinny, keep trying to get pregnant and show grace under pressure. try living with that on your head always!

Heavy women have low quality relationships - or the corollary of the previous headline 'Modern men prefer skinny women'

Men, women use Facebook differently - wow...that is so difficult to determine, how did they manage to find out? Next related discovery could probably be that men and women select different options in the signup sheet which asks for gender.

Being careful about the future is in our genes - Mind boggling! Really?! That does explain Life Insurance policies and Wills. So those werent random inventions as previously held by scholars!

Boys 'have sweeter tooth' than girls - that is why girls are sweet and made of "sugar and spice and everything nice". And I extend this great finding with my addendum - Guys have sweeter everything than girls and present for evidence the Daniel Craig in swim suit shaped, grape flavored popsicle. Or was that my evidence for how easily we can cross lines from eye candy to actual candy in a very wrong way? I forget. [I may think he is yummy but eating one of the above mentioned popsicles would take a bite out of the object of my affections...the puns end here]

Men set for 'extinction' - poor things. You became redundant with co-existence of the concepts 'Being Gay' and 'Cloning'. New nail in your coffin human parthenogensis becoming possible.

‘Taller people get fatter pay packet’ - All I needed to get to come to the same conclusion was look at the depressing pay stub of my hobbit sized self.

Macho guys don't always get the girls - Depends on how you define 'get', I would say Guys in general dont 'get' girls.

Care for elderly, be blessed with longer life - its called good karma

Anger 'is down to genes' - Dammit Parents! See what you gave me?! and all I wanted was travel scrabble.

Second-born kids are more rebellious: Research - that's because their spirit is not surgically wrenched from them at an early age with the litany - you are the eldest, you have to adjust and give up for your sister.

'Night owls cleverer, richer than early birds' - oh yeah, where is my money and IQ then? This is so dimwitted it could only be written by a poverty stricken day lark!

'Milky Way's heart tastes of raspberry, smells of rum' - And we wonder why obesity is becoming an epidemic while we blissfully think of the entire universe in terms of food and drink.

World over, rivers are drying up - which is what we should expect in days of 'Global Warming'

Old smiling snaps predict marital bliss - happy people divorce less. This did need some of the best minds working with zillions of dollars to realize.

Coming soon to the Blindingly Obvious section - The Pope's catholic, Sun rises in the east and I need to move.

Rain